NANCY AND ME

During the early mornings before everyone else's rises..I often get up and put on the classic movie channel and watch all the old classic film stars do their thing...I often do this while I am applying my makeup...and every so often I will see a film I never saw before and get intrigued by...such was the case this past Tuesday...when I saw the movie SID AND NANCY, it was the first time I saw this movie all they way through, I've seen small clips in the past...but I watched it all the way through this time. Start to finish..

All I really knew of Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen was that he was a member of one of Kurt Cobain's (my musical hero...) favorite bands The Sex Pistols and Nancy was his girlfriend...I also knew Sid supposedly killed Nancy...but that is all I really knew...So I watch this movie which so intrigued me that I took a trip to the library yesterday in search of my information on the punk duo...and to my surprise I found a well-worn paperback called "And I don't want to live this life," the book her mother had written after Nancy's death. The cover was a photo of Nancy at the height of her Punk notoreity, her eye makeup inky and exquisite, her expression blank as a model's except for the defiant set of her dark painted mouth.

The book was about what a troubled kid Nancy had been-a hellion with a freakishly high IQ and a whole spat of drug and pyschological problems, who was kicked out of school after school and whose family let her move to New York when she was only seventeen, just so they could be free from her spectacular room-trashing tantrums. Now this was a girl who could get her way....I pored over the photos facinated at the transformations Nancy had made, from suburban girl with akward school portraits to the bleach-blond punk princess on the book's cover and then finally, to obituary.

Of course, as a woman of my age knows, I shouldn't be idealizing a dead girl who'd been mentally ill and on herion..but I've been devouring every girl gone crazy chronicle I can find..it's my favorite kind of fiction, from Sybil to The Bell Jar(sylvia plath...one of my favorite author's ever) to I never promised you a rose garden to Bastard Out Of Carolina...and so on...they are stories about girls who feel wildly out of sync with the world who got to yell and scream and punch and kick and who quit being good( a desire I have often felt myself but never acted on)..I know I'm not like Nancy but something about her feels like the truth. For all her wild druggy exploits the thing that sticks with me the most was the caption accompanying a photo of a teenage Nancy, vamping it up for the camera in a sweater and ski pants, " she wore the outfit once and then threw it away," wrote her mother bitterly.

So I watched this movie even though on screen Nancy screeched and bawled and was hooked on smack, and was really just the girlfriend everyone hated..and even though I knew about Nancy and how she was, somehow this Nancy in the movie was not the Nancy I knew. I saw the movie a second time just to make sure it was still sad when Nancy died in the end, and it was. And I was driving home from the library yesterday I wondered what else I could be if I didn't want to be a "good" daughter, or bad girlfriend or dead. And then it kinda dawned on me...there are so many things I wore and then wanted to throw away....~~~~~~~~~the SUSHI CHICK~~~~~~~~~~~~!

NEW YEAR...SAME SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

X-mas was okay...I hope yours was good also...I'm sure yours was alot more fun being around children..usually it is..It's not been the happiest times of my life though..but hey it's the new year right so I'm trying to look forward...I miss you alot too...I've had to adjust to not getting my daily dose of david-isms...so that kinda sucks...as far as Miko it's going alright I guess..he's away right now...he went to Japan with his band..so he's been gone for the past three weeks...I was hoping he would get back before New Years but doesn't look like it...

But he's a musician so I guess I better get used to him leaving..me alone...I knew what I was getting when I met him so...it's a bummer but I'll deal...

Anyway, I hope you have a Awesome New Years,...mine is gonna suck for the obvious reasons...but hey I'm sure happy times will be here again soon...be well...keep in touch...:)

.....................................................the SUSHI CHICK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MY BOYFRIENDS BACK

hey, I tried to respond earlier in the week..but for some reason my email won't let me email you back..so I thought maybe this would work...anyway, yep outta minutes that's why I haven't texted you..lately. I'm alright I guess for a unemployed quasi-loser girl..I know, I know you hate when I talk like that....I got some sad news this week..my aunt, the one my sister is named after has lung cancer...on my mother's side. It's terrible...my mother's other sister just died last year ...last october to be exact of bone cancer..and now another sister..I feel so horrible for mommy right now..I can't imagine how difficult this is for her...anyway,, so I've been a bit down this week..miko helps though..he's been feeding me big italian and japenese meals lately...bless his heart...

I keep telling him he is going to make me fat again...he kinda wants me to gain a bit more weight..he thinks I've gotten too thin for his taste anyway, so he is determine to put some weight on me before years end. lol...it shouldn't take long...by what he keeps cooking for me...haha. and I've got to admit I've been really enjoying my sushi meals....I LOVVVVE SUSHI!!!!...miko calls me sushi chick...hence the name of my blog....cause that was our first date..he took me to a sushi bar in columbus...I never ate sushi ....I didn't realize what I was missing....

So if you ever take me on a date...it's SUSHI!!!!!!!!!~~~~~LOL. Oh, my car is gonna be repossed like any day now...so my life kinda sucks right now ...except for miko..and your surprising email...I was happy to get it by the way...you gotta email me more...pleeeeeezzzzzze!!!

So do me a favor and tell shari I haven't forgot about the money I owe her...it's just taking me a little while to come up with it...but I will get it to her before long...I just want her to know ...i'm not screwing her outta her money...thanks..

So enough about me,, what about my favorite boy? what's been up with you lately?....how you been? I wanted to wish you a happy thanksgiving..I'm assuming you had a good one...how was black friday anyway? is cruella de ville still twisting in the wind? and fucking everything up? and has she learned to use a jack yet? lmao!!!

ttyl..~~~Don't be a stranger......................

"THE FUCK-IT DIET"

Over the course of the past year I have lost a little bit of weight, and people always ask me about it now..so I thought I would make a attempt to explain myself a little bit...I've been on a diet off and on since I was ten years old..that was my first self awareness that I remember..that there was something "wrong" with me..why else would I be put on a diet at that age..when I should have been focused on my dolls..instead I was focused on my diet...

So anyway over the past fifteen years or so...I did my research and became at times quite disciplined at losing weight...and gaining by the way..you can always tell when I'm happy in my life and when I'm not...I'm always thinner when things are going well..and not so much when I'm upset. So last year when my birthday rolled around I decided to go on the "fuck you-fuck it " diet...what happen was I got sick and tired of dieting and I was sick and tired of thinking about food and not thinking about food..so I said to myself..."fuck it..seriously fuck it fuck it fuck it" !!!!

I altogether lost the thought process that carried me through most of my life. my dieting. And I started thinking about the people I love, hated, tolerated, laughed at, laughed with. And suddendly there was a lot of time and space in my head for me to do the things I love..like reading, and writing..and watching old classic movies..and focusing on photography...and who I loved or didn't love at that particular moment...and days turned into nights and nights turned into weeks and weeks into months...and so on...

I started to eat what I wanted..not a food vacation-or a respite..between diets...but I was gonna eat eat eat whatever I wanted and keep on eating.....Then I started to get weirdly thinner. I get it now..now that I don't care about food...and now that I eat to live and not live to eat...now I don't need to eat the whole cake at on sitting because I can have cake whenever I want it..it has no power anymore,..it's not eat it now and never again...it'll be there tommorow or the next week if my taste decides to go there....

When I'm hungry I eat ...that is what the "weird fuck it " diet is...since the food isn't "forbidden" anymore...and I don't feel like oh...This is the LAST slice of pizza I'll ever eat...I better eat the whole box....I tend to eat only til I'm full and yes I almost never clean my whole plate now...imagine that...this is what I do...consciously though...I never eat leftovers, I never take anything home from restraunts. I never eat when I'm not hungry. I never let myself get too hungry..I never deny myself a fucking thing because I've denied myself enough for 1000 lifetimes and what I've learned denial is not any way to live...I deserve all the mozerella sticks, all the chocolate, all the fucking pizza...and I deserve to leave what I don't finish on the plate..

So there you go..Big secret diet. Love. Love and the audacity to actually waste food..Not entirely waste it...any of you can have it if you so wish too............~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CLARA BOW'S ROCKIN DESSERT....OLD SCHOOL!!!

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I WANT MY S-A-S-S-Y!!!!!!

I still remember my first issue of Sassy Magazine. It was the spring of 7th grade, the April 92' issue, had my favorite boy genius Kurt Cobain with my favorite kinder whore Courtney on the cover..I remember I had a bad case of Strep throat at that time and my wonderful mother went out and bought some of my favorite things like jello pudding and the current issue of my pop culture bible Sassy..to make me feel better.

I read it cover to cover. It was the first magazine I'd read cover to cover something I do often now, though it's difficult to find orginal and authentic writing these days.. I quickly subscribed to Sassy after that issue, becoming absoulutely fanatical about the magazine...I lovvvved Cristina Kelly's writing style something I still try to copy in my own writing til this day...and don't come close...

Sassy magazine really gave me a sense of myself in junior high school. I'd turn to those writers and editors for support when the boys in my language arts class would make fun of me for wearing a big tweed coat with a short purple skirt and green tights, I knew I was slick...but I needed sassy to remind me..why I was the kool one and they were the losers....I mean, they didn't even know who Thurnston Moore or Kim Gordon were...a crime in koolness to me...

I loved Sassy so much and learned from it, I learned about the Pixies and Sonic Youth and Huggy Bear And Bikini Kill from it. I learned about the DIY zine culture of the 1990s...I fantasized in those days about growing up and one day getting published in Sassy myself...I could see myself reading Sassy even into my adulthood...whether it was aimed at me or not...

But Sassy closed shop in December of 1994, it was bought out by teen magazine, a fluffed out dumbed down teen magazine...and I quickly cancelled my subscription. I mourned, for the loss of my most reliable companion of the month. By junior year, I discovered another underground magazine I could get behind, called "ben is dead"....

Reading Sassy was wonderful. It was formative it was a major part of my life from seventh to tenth grade. But I often wonder if I would have seeked out more underground magazine like Ben Is Dead and Bitch, had it not been for the death of my beloved Sassy....In any case, I hold the memories dear, and still light up when I run across the writings of one of the former writers or editors....okay, the rest is my memories not the New York Posts......:)