Over the course of the past year I have lost a little bit of weight, and people always ask me about it now..so I thought I would make a attempt to explain myself a little bit...I've been on a diet off and on since I was ten years old..that was my first self awareness that I remember..that there was something "wrong" with me..why else would I be put on a diet at that age..when I should have been focused on my dolls..instead I was focused on my diet...
So anyway over the past fifteen years or so...I did my research and became at times quite disciplined at losing weight...and gaining by the way..you can always tell when I'm happy in my life and when I'm not...I'm always thinner when things are going well..and not so much when I'm upset. So last year when my birthday rolled around I decided to go on the "fuck you-fuck it " diet...what happen was I got sick and tired of dieting and I was sick and tired of thinking about food and not thinking about food..so I said to myself..."fuck it..seriously fuck it fuck it fuck it" !!!!
I altogether lost the thought process that carried me through most of my life. my dieting. And I started thinking about the people I love, hated, tolerated, laughed at, laughed with. And suddendly there was a lot of time and space in my head for me to do the things I love..like reading, and writing..and watching old classic movies..and focusing on photography...and who I loved or didn't love at that particular moment...and days turned into nights and nights turned into weeks and weeks into months...and so on...
I started to eat what I wanted..not a food vacation-or a respite..between diets...but I was gonna eat eat eat whatever I wanted and keep on eating.....Then I started to get weirdly thinner. I get it now..now that I don't care about food...and now that I eat to live and not live to eat...now I don't need to eat the whole cake at on sitting because I can have cake whenever I want it..it has no power anymore,..it's not eat it now and never again...it'll be there tommorow or the next week if my taste decides to go there....
When I'm hungry I eat ...that is what the "weird fuck it " diet is...since the food isn't "forbidden" anymore...and I don't feel like oh...This is the LAST slice of pizza I'll ever eat...I better eat the whole box....I tend to eat only til I'm full and yes I almost never clean my whole plate now...imagine that...this is what I do...consciously though...I never eat leftovers, I never take anything home from restraunts. I never eat when I'm not hungry. I never let myself get too hungry..I never deny myself a fucking thing because I've denied myself enough for 1000 lifetimes and what I've learned denial is not any way to live...I deserve all the mozerella sticks, all the chocolate, all the fucking pizza...and I deserve to leave what I don't finish on the plate..
So there you go..Big secret diet. Love. Love and the audacity to actually waste food..Not entirely waste it...any of you can have it if you so wish too............~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
