MS.KOOLTHANG

Why did I never get married? It's a question that occupies a permanent space in my mind. I have never been married which often surprises people I meet. I consider myself a somewhat educated woman, I'm cosmopolitian, responsible and self sufficient. I consider myself a pretty well rounded grounded woman who grew up in a loving home.

So why didn't it ever happen for me? I don't know. ..I've never been anti marriage..contrary to poplular belief I've always privately seen myself with a husband and maybe even a child..It's always floated around in my head just not at the forfront of it..With some reflection over the past few months..I guess it's a combination of high expectations or maybe just plain bad luck...that's a family trait I suppose.

I was never and will never be willing to "settle". I wanted a husband who is my equal, whom I'm compatiable with, and whom I can love and respect with all-my whole heart. As I would expect him to do with me...I never thought this a impossible task..Many women find their MR. RIGHT...don't mistake me...Not MISTER RIGHT!! but the guy they can live with and maybe be Satisfied-enough with to make a family.

But it never happened for me. Not with the men I've met.

Now the problem: Most of the time I find contentment with myself..who I believe I am and who maybe I was meant to be. And I'm fine with it. Maybe even proud of it. But there are those times as I grow older, particulary when I'm around family situations. That I look at the future and it seems empty and desolute. And the sadness can run very deep for me. I sometimes feel the need to withdraw and isolate myself from friends and family who have families. Because I can feel like the odd one out, the pitied one.

There are days where I feel kinda like the train has left the station and I'm still on the platform. Feeling adrift, purposeless and like my life is already finished. When it has barely even started. But then I'm reminded that maybe this whole time I've been after something else. something not soo typical. Maybe I gave something up for something more important to me. Maybe I'm paying the cost of being true to myself. And following my own path..A different path but a no less worthy one.

I don't have the answers and I suspect if I did...I would be analyzing and overanlyzing them. Cause that's what I do...I also suspect if I did...I'd be alot more bored with myself....so time marches on...and so do I!!!!!